Struggle Log

June 7, 2023

Overwhelm, feeling like I’m not doing enough, and feeling like putting limited time and especially energy into keeping a nice space for myself to live in is selfish and unproductive given how I have to maintain my home over and over again and doing that isn’t doing any activism and being so hard on myself for not being as “effective” as I’d like to be, feeling clumsy and thinking of the Stop Cop City protesters out there running around doing everything they can meanwhile I’m just waking up every morning trying to nurse my chronic dread, being inefficient every day, struggling to eat breakfast and hearing people say how it’s so important as if I shouldn’t have any excuses, somehow with my room getting messy again and again, never having learned how to care for my space from my family, wanting to get my ideas out there and getting stuck behind a dysregulated nervous system, seeing everyone else get to travel and talking about it as if it’s for granted meanwhile I’m just grateful that I can feel secure I’ll be able to pay my rent and order my supplements on Amazon, feeling bad for ordering things on Amazon, feeling ashamed considering how this will seem if I post this, feeling like I’m being irresponsible because I should reregulate my nervous system before trying to write things to share, feeling irresponsible because my abusive mother called me that.